Thursday, March 6, 2008

Dreaming tree

I woke up last night, about an hour after I'd fallen asleep, sobbing. I had one of the worst dreams I'd ever had - I dreamt that my husband had decided he was sick of being married to me. He wanted to go back to the life he had in college, and had already been putting money away into a separate account. He had been bringing people through our house in an attempt to sell it, as he was going to move back to our hometown, leaving me here in our new town. It felt so, so vivid, and I was absolutely heartbroken. I just wanted him to hold me and comfort me, and when he rolled over in bed, as he was tired and too warm to snuggle at that moment, I felt like I was being rejected all over again, in my still-dream-like state.

It occured to me that just before I fell asleep, I had been listening to one of the guided meditations that I've been using since I started my recovery. In the beginning of each recording, the therapist remarks that these can occasionally bring up strong emotions/reactions, and to be aware of that, and see how they fit in. I had never really experienced this, but I think that last night's dream may have been one of those deep dark experiences.

My greatest fear, I think, is that I will lose him. Most specifically, that he will decide that I'm not worth staying in this town that he doesn't like, and doesn't have many friends, simply for my residency training. (This, ironically, gets back to my belief that I'm not worth putting people out of their way in order to satisy my needs). I think this may be one of the things that I try to cover up with food, this terror that I'm going to be alone. Not just alone, but without him, specifically.

I know that he loves me, and that he supports me in my residency process, and that he's not going anywhere, and that he realizes that this is a short-term arrangement in order to achieve a long-term goal. But part of what strikes me is that I can't picture myself without him. I'm not sure I'm enough all by myself. I'm not sure what that means. I do know that it means I still have a lot to figure out, and that I've probably regressed a little in my progress, since we've moved and I've stopped seeing my therapist. I will have to mull this over.

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