Damn, it's been awhile

I always say that. I also always seem to abandon this again. Oh well.

Today I was going through a ton of pictures that I didn't even know we had, from about the past 4 years or so. I scrutinized myself, as I always do. But I had a different eye this time. I loved how I looked in most of the pictures...I could rarely EVER say that at the time. Then, over the past 2 years or so (really since I started putting on weight during my recovery), I noticed that I dropped out of those pictures. I know how awful I felt as I felt my body changing seemingly without my control. I seem more comfortable in my own skin now, but seeing those pictures made me realize how cute I was. (am)*.

When Nick's dad and my grandma died, they each had huge poster boards with pictures of them with all their family and friends. It made me realize that I want to be able to have that kind of record of our lives and the wonderful times and people we've known. So, I resolved to get over my photo-phobia and start taking and being in more pictures.

I really missed the body I had when I was looking through those. I don't want to say it's "inspired" me to lose this weight, as I think I have been, slowly over the past year or so. But I do have allll those cute clothes, and I was really pretty then. (and now). So. We shall see where this goes. IN any case, since getting Harley (oh yeah, we got a dog!) I've been out walking almost every day, and averaging around 2 miles. So that's something. I'd really love to get back to running on a regular basis. I was just starting to get to the point where I really WANTED to run, and for whatever reason, I stopped. I felt really good then, too.

I also realized how much I miss having all my good friends close by. I also really miss having peopel over on a regular basis. I loved doing that when we were in Milwaukee...after a night out at a bar, or concert or restaurant, people always seemed to gravitate back to our place to hang out, and a lot of those pictures were taken during those times. I miss that. I love our house now, and I love Nick and Harley, but we're home by ourselves a lot. I feel like I'll get shot down inviting people over from the department, because most of the residents have kids now, but it wouldn't hurt. It doesn't have to be the same as it was in Milwaukee, but I really enjoyed that and want to maybe make it part of our lives here, too.

*The voice reminding me that I'm still pretty, even though I don't always feel it.

FLOG

As per The Rotund, I am thinking of keeping a list of what I've been eating - no quantitative portions, no calories, etc....maybe feelings associated with the foods. Just because I'm curious, and I think it's no longer going to be triggering for me. If it is, I'll stop. But it's been so prevalent in my mind lately, and hopefully writing it down will get it out of there!!

And so, today:
2 whole grain oatmeal packets
3 mini chocolate chip cookies
1/2 turket sandwich on wheat
1 bag potato chips
1 small brownie
1 oatmeal raisin cookie
handful tortilla chips
southwest chicken breast
jalapeno cheese mashed potatoes (YUM)
4 thin mints

Very much wanting sweets lately, and I'm not sure why. I'm ok with it for now, but am sort of curious to see what I'll do and how I'll feel without them. For whatever reason, I'm just not wanting fruits, vegetables, salads, etc. lately. I'm trying to be ok with that. We'll see.

Dreaming tree

I woke up last night, about an hour after I'd fallen asleep, sobbing. I had one of the worst dreams I'd ever had - I dreamt that my husband had decided he was sick of being married to me. He wanted to go back to the life he had in college, and had already been putting money away into a separate account. He had been bringing people through our house in an attempt to sell it, as he was going to move back to our hometown, leaving me here in our new town. It felt so, so vivid, and I was absolutely heartbroken. I just wanted him to hold me and comfort me, and when he rolled over in bed, as he was tired and too warm to snuggle at that moment, I felt like I was being rejected all over again, in my still-dream-like state.

It occured to me that just before I fell asleep, I had been listening to one of the guided meditations that I've been using since I started my recovery. In the beginning of each recording, the therapist remarks that these can occasionally bring up strong emotions/reactions, and to be aware of that, and see how they fit in. I had never really experienced this, but I think that last night's dream may have been one of those deep dark experiences.

My greatest fear, I think, is that I will lose him. Most specifically, that he will decide that I'm not worth staying in this town that he doesn't like, and doesn't have many friends, simply for my residency training. (This, ironically, gets back to my belief that I'm not worth putting people out of their way in order to satisy my needs). I think this may be one of the things that I try to cover up with food, this terror that I'm going to be alone. Not just alone, but without him, specifically.

I know that he loves me, and that he supports me in my residency process, and that he's not going anywhere, and that he realizes that this is a short-term arrangement in order to achieve a long-term goal. But part of what strikes me is that I can't picture myself without him. I'm not sure I'm enough all by myself. I'm not sure what that means. I do know that it means I still have a lot to figure out, and that I've probably regressed a little in my progress, since we've moved and I've stopped seeing my therapist. I will have to mull this over.

Still a Newbie

It's hard to believe that in 4 months, I will have completed my first year of radiation oncology training. I know it will go fast, and what worries me is that I still have SO MUCH to learn. My senior residents tell me this is common, and does go away, but that doesn't make me feel much better.

I'm also still trying to strike a balance in my life - I can easily spend all my free time studying, and have recently. I miss yoga, going to the gym more than twice a week, reading books for pleasure, etc. etc. I am realizing that I will be happier if I continue to incorporate these things into my life, and therefore more productive, less stressed, have less insomnia...I just have to remember that when it comes to crunch time.

In that vein, I have started training to ride a metric century with my bestest girl, Hillary. She is so inspiring to me, taking such control of her health, and has helped me to realize that setting a goal to achieve will not only help me focus my efforts at the gym, but also helps me to see my body as a tool to accomplish something, rather than as an object to be seen. It's been gorgeous here over the weekend, so I got my riding shoes outfitted with new SPD clips, and am hoping I will get my bike in shape to ride before the weather goes sideways again. If not, though, there's always spin class, which is currently kicking my ass. In a good way:

Me: (driving home after spin class) Hi hon, I just wanted to let you know that I am dying. So if I don't make it home from the grocery store, I'm dead somewhere.

Him: (answering the phone, groggy as I had woken him up) Uh...what? Where are you?

I then had to explain my attempt at humor, which makes it not funny anymore.
I also saw one of these at the bike shop today, and WANT. ONE. Badly. That way when the weather is wonky, I can ride in my own comfy basement. Much cheaper than riding a computrainer for $30/hour at another local bike shop. Yikes, can you believe that??

Ok, physics studying awaits. I am SO GLAD I am training for this field in the era of CT scanners and computers...reading about digitizing xray films makes me want to put my highlighter through my eye.

The Christmas toy tutorial for the confused parents who gifted it: